If there’s a saying that’s haunted me over the years, it’s “Jack of all trades, master of none.” There’s a sense of causality implied here, suggesting that being a jack of all trades necessarily implies being a master of none – which makes a certain amount of consequential sense, given that we only have so much time to dedicate to practice, and that practicing one thing must necessarily take time that could be used practicing another. And yet… well, I really would like to be a master of, if not all, then several trades.
I’m proud of the progress I’ve made, but the better I get at anything the more I see how much I have yet to learn, and the more time passes the more I’m scared that I don’t have enough time or energy to learn anything to the extent that I would like to. Every bit of pleasure I take in seeing my art improve drips into the gap I perceive between that improvement and what it is possible to achieve with the medium. And yet, can I give up on anything? Can I stop writing, stop drawing, stop making games, stop making music – how can I stop, when I’ve already come so far? I don’t feel okay with stopping – I don’t even feel okay with the idea of stopping starting, since there are other skills still I want to pick up and improve at, and I also want to push my abilities along new avenues – to write different kinds of words and music, make different kinds of art. I just started streaming games on Twitch a while ago, which is developing a whole new set of verbal performative skills, a category of art I’ve barely approached before in my life but have felt a subtle yearning for.
Yet I also don’t feel okay about being broke, though that seems to be where I’ve gotten with these trades and practices and skills thus far – either because I’m not confident enough to sell the products of my labor or because the products of my labor are of insufficient quality or breadth of appeal to find purchase. I’m trying to work on both of those right now as well, but it’s slow going and in the meanwhile, as I chew through my monetary reserves, I feel quite broke and somewhat worried.
There’s no good way I can see besides the way I’m doing it. If I try to raise money through more traditional venues (IE get a job selling coffee or burgers) I have dramatically less time and energy to develop my abilities and create new works, further reducing my capacity for self-improvement and self-sufficiency – though, I suppose, I might gain some additional and unexpected skills through the work itself.
Maybe I’m greedy. I just can’t let anything go. It’s a privileged position to be in, still. Most people don’t get a chance to make this choice. Sometimes I wonder if I’m making the most of it, but all I can do is my best, and it’s also an opportunity I can’t let pass – though I know that, as with everything, this, too, shall pass. I just have to be ready before that happens.