More Problems

[INSERT FOOTAGE OF MAN IN BUSINESS ATTIRE TURNING AROUND IN LEATHER OFFICE CHAIR]

Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there. My name is P. Rob LeMachin, CEO and sole proprietor of Problem Machine. Now, you might wonder what we do here? I know I do. Well, follow me.

[FOOTAGE FOLLOWING MAN IN BUSINESS ATTIRE AS HE WALKS DOWN HALLWAY. WINDOWS IN HALLWAY SHOW MANY SCENES OF EVENTS TOO WONDROUS TO BE CONVENIENTLY DESCRIBED IN THIS PARAGRAPH]

You see, what we do here is we create and distribute problems. Sometimes we just find them lying around, sometimes we make them out of raw materials, most of which are readily available in any public gathering place. Now, you might be thinking, “but that’s terrible! Everyone hates problems!” Well, your pathetic ignorance is understandable. Problems have gotten a bad reputation for being problematic! But let’s take just a moment now to think about what exactly a problem is.

[MAN IN BUSINESS ATTIRE TURNS TO FACE US AND HANDS US A SNIFTER OF COGNAC]

Think back to that famous phrase, “Houston, we have a problem”: Uttered by astronaut and American hero Tom Hanks over the intercom to his wife, Whitney Houston, while aboard his flying saucer, just after he discovered William Shatner outside tearing a hole in the spaceship exterior. Hanks rushed to explain the situation to Houston, and in so doing he created a ‘problem’. What would have happened if he’d never told Houston about his problem? Houston would have never been able to tell him a solution and Shatner would have murdered them all.

[MAN IN BUSINESS ATTIRE SIPS MARTINI AND GESTURES TO BLACK PANEL WITH THREE GLOWING WORDS…]

[FINE -> PROBLEM -> FIX ->]

The natural cycle of things goes: Fine, Problem, Fix, and back to Fine. Everything starts Fine, then there’s a Problem, and then you Fix it. That’s the role that problems play in the circle of life! Though every day people wish they had fewer problems, look what happens to the cycle if we remove the problem.

[MAN IN BUSINESS ATTIRE GESTURES AT SECOND BLACK PANEL…]

[FINE -> DISASTER <-]

With no problem, instead of cycling from fine to problem to fix and back to fine, it cycles directly from fine to disaster and it stays there because everything is dead and bad. So, you see, you were wrong to be mad at me: You need my problems so that you can have something to fix. Think back to the words of [PEERS AT HAND] Notorious P.I.G: more money equals more problems – And therefore by the commutative property of problems, more problems equals more money!

That’s why we say here at Problem Machine industries: It’s Not A Disaster.